Monday, November 16, 2015

Keeping it Real: Life.

Yes, it's been six weeks since I've written here. I've started and stopped a few posts that felt forced, because I thought that I "should" be posting. Which is when I realized - this is MY blog! I can post as much, or as little, as I want! So rather than be half-assed, which is what an "I should be posting" post feels like, I opted not to.

My life these days is a whirlwind - of tasks, errands, jobs and volunteering. It is a different schedule every day, a plan for each week that gets thrown off by sick children, last minute needs or offers for work and... life. It has been SO hard to get used to this, after having been at the same job for more than 12 years, but I'm finally getting the hang of it, I think, a year in. 

Because at first I thought it was just a crazy day or two. Then a crazy week. Then a crazy month. But the truth is that it's not crazy at all - it's my new normal. 

The trick? Embrace the crazy. Embrace the unpredictability. Embrace the mid-day pop-into-the-apartment-to-grab-something-you-forgot-and-get-to-hug-your-baby-snuggles. (Then embrace your nanny who takes and comforts that confused child who doesn't understand why you only hugged her for a second then ran back out). Embrace the chance to be with your older daughter's class at the school book fair. Embrace the ability to give time to causes that mean so much to you - like helping new moms. Like the public education system in your town. Like Postpartum Progress. Embrace the laughter-filled evenings as Lila learns to talk and Rebecca gets out her end-of-day energy. Embrace the nighttime wakings and chances to lay in the darkness with a baby who would rather sleep on you than in her crib.

What I have realized fuels me best is a healthy mix of passion and pressure. One or the other is fine and gets me going, but put the two together and I can not be stopped.

Luckily, recently there's been no shortage of either. I've been helping new moms. I've been forging relationships with people who can help me do more. I've been cultivating my passion for writing and messaging, informed, powered and made possible by those years in that office. I've been undergoing various trainings that will prepare me to be a better peer advocate in the future. I've been going non-stop on all cylinders.

At my last therapy session, I told my therapist what I had been up to. It took ten minutes, and I am sure I left out an item or two. After each thing, I said, "I mean, I don't know why. I'm just doing it. We'll see where it goes." And she told me to stop doing that - stop saying I don't know what I'm doing or why - because I do. I am writing and helping clients. I am helping new moms who are suffering. I am forging relationships that will help me do more of both, and then some.

I am fueled right now by the perfect mix of passion and pressure - and we will, indeed, see where it goes. I can't wait.